Includes revisions adopted by Friends Meeting of Austin, June 1997

Our life is love, and peace, and tenderness: and bearing one with another, and forgiving one another, and not laying accusations one against another; but praying one for another, and helping one another up with a tender hand.

Isaac Penington, 1667

THE SPIRITUAL JOURNEY of an individual can be enhanced and strengthened in a loving, committed relationship. Some call the relationship marriage; some call it by another name. Friends have long recognized that some couples are called into a covenant relationship, a ministry of caring, which with Divine assistance may open the door to deep and unreserved love, to forgiveness, to sharing strengths, to trust and to the nurture of each other’s growth.

Early Friends perceived that no mortal being could join two others together in marriage: only they could marry each other through a public declaration of their commitment. Friends marry each other without benefit of clergy or magistrate. Marriage occurs with divine assistance.' 

They recognized that the joining of two people in such a covenant relationship “is the work of the Lord only, and not the priests’ or magistrates; for it is God’s ordinance and not man’s; and therefore Friends cannot consent that they should join them together: for we marry none; it is the Lord’s work, and we are but witnesses.” George Fox, 1669

When a couple feels called into such a covenant relationship, they seek clearness with their Meeting. When the Meeting finds clearness in the couple, and clearness within the Meeting to take their relationship under the care of the Meeting, a Meeting for Worship is specially called in which the couple publicly affirm and celebrate their lifetime commitment to one another.

Monthly Meetings within the Yearly Meeting have a variety of responses to accepting the role of clearness and oversight of committed relationships and marriages. A few are able only to find clearness to oversee heterosexual relationships; many find clearness to oversee heterosexual, gay, and lesbian relationships. A number of Meetings choose to leave the naming of the relationship and the celebration to the couple.

Coming Under the Care of the Meeting

Before taking a couple’s relationship under its care a Meeting, through a Clearness Committee, counsels with the partners, seeking to establish their clearness in what they are undertaking. If the committee so recommends, and the Meeting agrees, the relationship and the couple are taken under the care of the Meeting. This means that the couple is surrounded by a loving community which may take action as necessary to support the well being of the two individuals, of the relationship itself, and of any children who may be, or become, involved.

A couple, regardless of sexual orientation, comes under the care of a Monthly Meeting in any of the following ways: first, through the clearness process which precedes the marriage or celebration; second, by the Meeting members attending the celebration and witnessing the vows; third, through the care, support, and guidance given to every couple in the Meeting throughout their lifetime journey.

Clearness Process

Request

When two people wish to have their relationship taken under the care of the Monthly Meeting, they write a letter stating their intention and requesting the Meeting to begin the clearness process. In the good order of Friends it is expected that a minimum of three months will be needed between the sending of the request and the desired date of the celebration. It is expected that at least one of the partners is a member or regular attender of the Meeting. If one of the partners holds membership in another Monthly Meeting, a letter of clearness should be obtained from that partner’s Meeting.

Clearness Committee

When the request for oversight of a couple’s relationship is received, a Clearness Committee is appointed by the Monthly Meeting or by its Committee on Oversight. It is important that members asked to serve be free of time constraints, be open to prayerful consideration regarding the right course of action, and be individuals well-founded in Friends’ practice.

The couple and the clearness committee meet together and separately for thoughtful and prayerful discussions to seek God’s will regarding the proposed celebration. Specific queries or topics may be presented by the committee or the couple to give direction to the discussions, or discussion may arise out of worship. It is important that those participating in the clearness

process approach each meeting with open hearts and minds, that sufficient time be allotted for thorough understanding and seasoning to occur, and that any encumbrance be explored to ensure that both parties are free of conflicting obligations.

When the couple and the committee are clear that the celebration or wedding should go forward, the Clearness Committee reports its endorsement either to the Oversight Committee or directly to the Monthly Meeting, indicating that unity has been found. The Monthly Meeting accepts the report for consideration and seasoning and, when it is able to unite in approving the request, sets a time and place and appoints an Arrangements Committee, guided by the couple’s wishes.

It may be that unity to move forward is not readily found. The committee and the couple may choose to continue seeking God’s will in this matter, or they may choose to lay aside the request indefinitely or permanently. When the right course of action is clear, the Clearness Committee or the Oversight Committee reports this to the Monthly Meeting.

Thoroughness in the clearness and guidance process is essential in seasoning the relationship and in establishing a strong basis on which to form a lifetime journey.

Topics Suggested for Discussion during the Clearness Process

Most of these subjects will arise naturally in the course of the interviews, and it is preferable if the prospective partners feel free to broach them themselves. It is well for the committee to have topics in mind and to see that they are covered.

1. Background and Acquaintance. How well do the couple know each other? What are their basic common values? How do they adapt to differences in background, religion, temperament, and interests? Can they meet their differences with humor, mutual respect, patience, and generosity? Do they have the courage and the willingness to go together for outside guidance with any problem they are unable to solve?

2. Religious Beliefs, Feelings,Aspirations. Do they see commitment or marriage as a spiritual relationship to be entered into with appreciation of its Divine basis? How do they propose to meet their religious needs as a couple? How do they plan to make their relationship accessible to Divine assistance? Do they endeavor to hold each other in the Light?

3. Growth and Fulfillment. Do they think of themselves as trusted and equal lifelong partners, sharing responsibilities and decisions? Are they supportive of each other’s goals for personal growth and fulfillment? Do they communicate their feelings and needs, their dreams and fears to each other? Are they able to discuss their sexual expectations in a way which leads to satisfaction for each person?

4. Daily Living. Have they discussed and worked through questions regarding the use and management of money? Have they considered how to resolve minor daily issues such as who takes out the trash or does the dishes? Have they given consideration to, and found ways to resolve real anger when it arises within the relationship? Have they found ways to resolve life style issues, such as one being a morning person and one being an evening person, so that neither feels personally rejected? Have they explored attitudes towards holidays and gift giving? Have they discussed the names each will use?

5. Relationships with Others. Are they aware of the need for developing a variety of other friendships that contribute both to individual growth and to their relationship? Have they considered together whether or not they desire children: the problems as well as the joys children would bring, and the responsibilities for nurturing and guiding them? How do they view their relationships with each other’s families and their obligations toward society?

6. Relationship with the Monthly Meeting. What does the couple expect the Monthly Meeting to do to support their relationship? What do they expect their relationship to bring to the Monthly Meeting?

7. Discharge of Prior Commitments. Do they have obligations, personal or financial, which need to be met or discharged?

8. Attitude of Families. What are the views of their families toward the prospective marriage or commitment? These could be ascertained directly by the committee through personal conferences or correspondence.

9. The Celebration. How do they view the Meeting for Worship on the occasion of marriage or celebration which is to take place under the care of the Meeting? Are they familiar with the procedure? Do they appreciate the values involved in the Quaker form of commitment?

Marriages and committed relationships pass through many phases, and through all phases the quality of the relationship is tested. The development of a relationship is a growing experience. Respect for each other and enduring, loving expression deepen the bond. With God’s help, each couple finds a true path and away of living that leads to a strong union. Yet, whatever the style of life, all relationships need a foundation of commitment, communication, honesty, and integrity. Patience, humor and a spirit of adventure, guided by a mutual trust in God’s presence, strengthen the present and brighten the hope for the future.

Adapted from Pacific Yearly Meeting, Faith and Practice

Remarriage

A new marriage or committed relationship takes much faith, strength, and courage following the loss of a partner. The new relationship is taken under the care of the Meeting when a suitable period of time has elapsed since the loss, when consideration has been given to assuring the welfare and legal rights of all the children involved and when it is felt that the circumstances of the new relationship are likely to make it successful and fruitful in spiritual happiness.

The processes of request, clearness, and oversight of the new relationship are identical to those just outlined. During the clearness process, however, special consideration will naturally be given to discussion pertinent to the changed circumstances.

Where children or other relatives are involved, it is often advisable for the clearness process to include discussions with them. A new relationship often involves the creation of a blended family. The Clearness Committee can be helpful in resolving feelings about the new family structure by involving all parties in thorough and prayerful examination of feelings and expectations. It may be helpful to include an ex-partner and his or her new family in the clearness process, recognizing that old relationships change and new relationships take time to grow.

A common religious faith, an endeavor to hold others in the Light, and the awareness that love deepens and matures with time are qualities needed for a stable relationship. It is important to let go of the past and look to the future.

Arrangements Committee

This committee, appointed by the Monthly Meeting, works with the couple to insure that the couple’s desires are met regarding the ceremony and that it is accomplished with simplicity, dignity, and reverence. The reception, if any, is also part of the committee’s responsibility.

Couples who meet their state’s legal marriage requirements may wish to have their marriage legally recognized. If they do, it is their responsibility to acquire the marriage license; it is the responsibility of the Arrangements Committee to arrange for the signature (usually by the Clerk of the Meeting) of the state’s certificate of marriage and to file it with the county clerk or designated officer. The state certificate of marriage form may need to be changed to reflect the actual practice of the ceremony in the manner of Friends. The couple are recognized by the state as legally married only when the certificate of marriage is properly signed and filed.

Traditional Friends Ceremony

The Meeting for Worship for the celebration gathers in silence at the appointed time. The meaning of the Meeting for Worship and the procedure which will follow may be explained in the invitations or early in the meeting. During worship the couple will rise and, taking each other by the hand, declare in words to this effect, each speaking in turn:

In the presence of God, and before these our Friends, I take thee, _____, to be my [wife/husband/partner], promising, with Divine assistance, to be unto thee a loving and faithful [husband/wife/ partner], as long as we both shall live.

or,

In the presence of God, and before these our Friends, I commit myself to thee,______, promising, with Divine assistance, to be unto thee loving and faithful, as long as we both shall live.

After these declarations, the certificate is signed by the couple and is then read to those gathered by a person appointed for that purpose.

Worship continues, often with rich vocal ministry, and is closed by the committee, or other Friends approved by them. After the close of worship, all those gathered for the Meeting for Worship sign the certificate.

Variation of this procedure may be used by the couple with the approval of the Arrangements Committee.

Marriage or Commitments Outside the Care of the Meeting

If a member is married or celebrates a commitment outside the care of the Meeting, the Oversight Committee should arrange that someone visit with the new couple, expressing the interest of the Meeting in their new relationship. It is assumed that the member or members will continue their relationship with the Meeting and that a non-member partner will be made welcome and invited to attend Meeting. All couples require the loving support and oversight of the Meeting.

In the true marriage [committed] relationship the independence of the husband and wife [partners] is equal, their dependence mutual, and their obligations reciprocal.

Aphorism favored by Lucretia Mott, c. 1850 [language adapted] 1993

Meeting’s Care for the Relationship

Friends are reminded that the Meeting’s oversight and care of a relationship does not end with the celebration but endures throughout the whole of life.

Meetings have an important role in nurturing, supporting, and celebrating the couples under their care. In a loving community of persons of similar religious values and priorities, couples can be sustained and guided in their efforts to build an enduring relationship. Communication among the members of the Meeting is vital. Celebrations, workshops, and supportive discussion groups as well as meetings for worship are important within the life of the Meeting. Couples often appreciate the feeling of oversight that the Meeting offers when times are easy, but fail to invite the oversight process during difficult times.

Friends are frequently very private and reluctant to bring forth personal problems. Nevertheless, individuals and couples are encouraged to bring forth problems or difficulties and to allow the Meeting to provide guidance, wisdom, and support through counseling, retreats, workshops, and referral assistance when needed. Most important, the Meeting and the individuals in the Meeting assist couples through prayer and a strong belief in Divine intercession in daily life.

Each couple must be aware that their committed relationship has far-reaching effects on others. We must be willing to seek Divine help and Meeting oversight for assistance in fulfilling the covenant vows. In taking the couple under their care, the Meeting assumes the responsibility to be steadfast and direct, as well as sensitive, in fulfilling its oversight obligation.

Separation and Divorce

Couples who are encountering difficulties and unresolved conflict are urged to seek assistance from the Meeting. The Meeting, usually through the Ministry and Oversight Committee, will attempt to provide guidance, support, counseling, and referral to additional assistance if necessary.

In the event of an abusive relationship, immediate separation may be necessary to protect all those involved from further harm.

No marriage or committed relationship should be terminated lightly or quickly. If, after thoughtful and prayerful consideration and a period of seasoning, the couple finds that serious contemplation of separation or divorce is advisable, they are encouraged to seek clearness through the Oversight Committee in their Meeting. A dissolution moves forward when the couple, the clearness committee, and God’s leading make it clear that the marriage or committed relationship no longer exists.

When two members are faced with separation or divorce, one or the other, or both, may feel alienated from further participation in Meeting. If the Meeting has taken an active role in the clearness process, the sense of alienation may be lessened and separation may proceed with tenderness and charity. It may also be helpful for the Meeting and the couple to have a Meeting for Worship on the occasion of the dissolution, to seek God’s grace for all and to acknowledge the termination within the loving community of the Meeting.

We would counsel Friends to take timely advice in periods of difficulty. The early sharing of problems with sympathetic Friends or marriage counsellors can often bring release from misunderstandings and give positive help towards new joy together. Friends ought to be able to do this, but much will depend on the quality of our life together in the Society. If marriages among us fail, we are all part of that failure. We need to be mare sensitive to each other’s needs, knowing one another in the things which are material as in the things which are eternal.

Marriage & Parenthood Committee, 1956
Faith & Practice, London Yearly Meeting, 1972

Renewal of Vows

On occasion, a couple joined together outside of the Meeting, or, after years of marriage desire to renew their vows in the presence of the Divine and the loving community of their Meeting. A couple can request a Clearness Committee, to explore the health of their relationship and to chart their future. The celebration is a wonderful opportunity for the Meeting to express its loving support of the couple in the specially-called Meeting for Worship.

“We thank God then, far the pleasures, joys and triumphs of [life together]; far the cups of tea we bring each other, and the seedlings in the garden frame; far the domestic drama of meetings and partings, sickness and recovery; for the grace of occasional extravagance, flowers on birthdays and unexpected presents; for talk at evenings of the events of the day; far the ecstasy of caresses; far gay mockery at each other’s follies; for plans and projects, fun and struggle; praying that we may neither neglect nor undervalue these things, nor be tempted to think of them as self-contained and self-sufficient.”

Faith and Practice, London Yearly Meeting, 1960